Just Breathe.

Good Morning Kittens! How are you? This is odd but I still haven't gotten my package from the hotel with my camcorder battery in it, so I have yet to shoot a vlog. After my workout and such, I will get it and then catch up on some videos with all y'all. 

Today's blog title is "Just Breathe". Why? I think frankly this phrase sums up my LIFE philosophy right now. I've been telling you all how over the past couple of months I've read some really enlightening books, the most recent one being by Janet Jackson- "True You" HIGHLY HIGHLY RECOMMEND it for anyone that has self-esteem issues with their body and such. Wow. So well written and I really respect her for sharing her struggles and why she has been so insecure in her own skin, why she would get ripped and lean and then gain weight and all the up and down.....and her basic lesson learned is, you have to find the "True You" before you can really settle in and get healthy and fit. If you keep trying to get fit or do things to please others or look like others or become someone else, it won't stick. You have to not just put new practices in place, you have to figure out what makes you binge or what makes you fall off the wagon or what makes you insecure.....

Yea yea, more Oprah moments for you but really kids.....this is striking a chord with me. Everyone that knows me and many of you have written to me saying, "Why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you give yourself a break? Why do you pick apart your body and fill your day with self-loathing?" and it is true. I've created an additional MOUNTAIN of stress - especially the last two years, because I've been FRANTIC about trying to turn back time. Not turn back time in my age or my face, but turn back time to before I had any of the hormonal changes, any of the weight gain that was suddenly so hard to lose. 

I need to stop being so FRANTIC. So PANICKED. So RUSHED about EVERYTHING. Remember I was talking about this before, the fact that I have been so worried about catching up with everything- usually WORK- that I don't even sit down to eat. In fact, 9x out of 10 when I go meet a friend for lunch or dinner, I'm already figuring out when I need to LEAVE so I can get this done or that done. I don't REMEMBER the last time I had a friend-date like this:

I saw this picture on "A Foodie Stays Fit" blog and I kept looking at it going OMG when did I sit with a friend and do this? That's just WRONG. 

I need to, mentally, and emotionally, and physically.....JUST BREATHE. Slow down. Forgive myself for what I'm beating myself up about. CALM DOWN and commit to a lifetime of inner peace and commit to fitness that is ENJOYABLE not a punishment. 

I have to stop comparing myself with everyone and then berating myself for not doing what THEY did. All of these bad habits have left me in a perpetual state of CRISIS MODE internally and all that stress does NOT do a body good. Janet talks about that in the book- that at her heaviest, she was working out a buttload and could not lose weight because essentially she was still stressed and emotional and crash-dieting etc. 

If you aren't at peace with yourself, you can't ever accomplish true fitness with your body, because your mind can fight you. Think about that. I realize that the past couple of years I have been getting in a worse and worse state of mind, constantly panicked about how fat and huge and disgusting I think I am, not wanting to go out or do anything because I think I should be a size zero and I'm not.....crazy right? But I'm just being honest. I don't WANT TO THINK THAT WAY ANYMORE. 

Remember I told you all about the great Yoga DVD with Geri Halliwell? At the end of the first one they have a 20 minute interview with her where she is just talking about how she came to terms with her 'inner demons' and how she is comfortable in her own skin and doesn't diet now at all and ....kids, listening to her talk about what she USED TO obsess about and freak out about and how she USED TO never treat herself kindly and how obsessive dieting and insane workouts are not being KIND to your body (kind of like when I was saying this fitness thing is supposed to be a treat not torture!)....I'm listening to her going, "This is exactly how I have been. This is what I want to be on the OTHER SIDE OF....this is what I want to be able to look BACK ON and hopefully maybe inspire others to get there."

And that is why I'm making some of the changes that I'm sharing with you. I'm coming to terms with a LOT and making some big changes and I think, I KNOW that this is going to be helpfu and beneficial to me in the long term. I KNOW IT. I'm not going to hide from problems or fears and push them aside and think about some knee-jerk reaction or crash diet I can do to try and "fix" myself immediately. This is about LIFE. 

I know I'm finally getting on the right track. It's not overnight that I will suddenly be OK with everything. It's not overnight that I will look at myself along the way, before I reach a weight loss goal and be KIND to myself  about where I am NOW and not hyper-critical of myself every single moment of the day. 

But I am on it. I am slowing down and just BREATHING in. No more panic. No more crisis mode. On that note, Yoga Time.