Just Breathe.
Good Morning Kittens! How are you? This is odd but I still haven't gotten my package from the hotel with my camcorder battery in it, so I have yet to shoot a vlog. After my workout and such, I will get it and then catch up on some videos with all y'all.
Today's blog title is "Just Breathe". Why? I think frankly this phrase sums up my LIFE philosophy right now. I've been telling you all how over the past couple of months I've read some really enlightening books, the most recent one being by Janet Jackson- "True You" HIGHLY HIGHLY RECOMMEND it for anyone that has self-esteem issues with their body and such. Wow. So well written and I really respect her for sharing her struggles and why she has been so insecure in her own skin, why she would get ripped and lean and then gain weight and all the up and down.....and her basic lesson learned is, you have to find the "True You" before you can really settle in and get healthy and fit. If you keep trying to get fit or do things to please others or look like others or become someone else, it won't stick. You have to not just put new practices in place, you have to figure out what makes you binge or what makes you fall off the wagon or what makes you insecure.....
Yea yea, more Oprah moments for you but really kids.....this is striking a chord with me. Everyone that knows me and many of you have written to me saying, "Why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you give yourself a break? Why do you pick apart your body and fill your day with self-loathing?" and it is true. I've created an additional MOUNTAIN of stress - especially the last two years, because I've been FRANTIC about trying to turn back time. Not turn back time in my age or my face, but turn back time to before I had any of the hormonal changes, any of the weight gain that was suddenly so hard to lose.
I need to stop being so FRANTIC. So PANICKED. So RUSHED about EVERYTHING. Remember I was talking about this before, the fact that I have been so worried about catching up with everything- usually WORK- that I don't even sit down to eat. In fact, 9x out of 10 when I go meet a friend for lunch or dinner, I'm already figuring out when I need to LEAVE so I can get this done or that done. I don't REMEMBER the last time I had a friend-date like this:
I saw this picture on "A Foodie Stays Fit" blog and I kept looking at it going OMG when did I sit with a friend and do this? That's just WRONG.
I need to, mentally, and emotionally, and physically.....JUST BREATHE. Slow down. Forgive myself for what I'm beating myself up about. CALM DOWN and commit to a lifetime of inner peace and commit to fitness that is ENJOYABLE not a punishment.
I have to stop comparing myself with everyone and then berating myself for not doing what THEY did. All of these bad habits have left me in a perpetual state of CRISIS MODE internally and all that stress does NOT do a body good. Janet talks about that in the book- that at her heaviest, she was working out a buttload and could not lose weight because essentially she was still stressed and emotional and crash-dieting etc.
If you aren't at peace with yourself, you can't ever accomplish true fitness with your body, because your mind can fight you. Think about that. I realize that the past couple of years I have been getting in a worse and worse state of mind, constantly panicked about how fat and huge and disgusting I think I am, not wanting to go out or do anything because I think I should be a size zero and I'm not.....crazy right? But I'm just being honest. I don't WANT TO THINK THAT WAY ANYMORE.
Remember I told you all about the great Yoga DVD with Geri Halliwell? At the end of the first one they have a 20 minute interview with her where she is just talking about how she came to terms with her 'inner demons' and how she is comfortable in her own skin and doesn't diet now at all and ....kids, listening to her talk about what she USED TO obsess about and freak out about and how she USED TO never treat herself kindly and how obsessive dieting and insane workouts are not being KIND to your body (kind of like when I was saying this fitness thing is supposed to be a treat not torture!)....I'm listening to her going, "This is exactly how I have been. This is what I want to be on the OTHER SIDE OF....this is what I want to be able to look BACK ON and hopefully maybe inspire others to get there."
And that is why I'm making some of the changes that I'm sharing with you. I'm coming to terms with a LOT and making some big changes and I think, I KNOW that this is going to be helpfu and beneficial to me in the long term. I KNOW IT. I'm not going to hide from problems or fears and push them aside and think about some knee-jerk reaction or crash diet I can do to try and "fix" myself immediately. This is about LIFE.
I know I'm finally getting on the right track. It's not overnight that I will suddenly be OK with everything. It's not overnight that I will look at myself along the way, before I reach a weight loss goal and be KIND to myself about where I am NOW and not hyper-critical of myself every single moment of the day.
But I am on it. I am slowing down and just BREATHING in. No more panic. No more crisis mode. On that note, Yoga Time.
"True You" book, Janet Jackson
Reader Comments (14)
stepping back and taking a moment and REALIZING what you write about here has changed my life, kelly.
for me it has taken the form of lots of slow slow slow play with my child---but more than anything just being more present in all that I do.
sitting with my feelings.
embracing them.
FEELING THEM
instead of rushing off to the next thing in a frantic way and never stopping to, well, as you say better than I above, BREATHE.
for me lately it has been living with the backdrop of this:
ENJOY THE SMALL THINGS BECAUSE SOME DAY YOU MAY LOOK BACK AND REALIZE THEY WERE THE BIG THINGS.
xo
:-)
It's funny that you mention being present- that was also something I realized I couldn't do anymore- the continual multi-tasking.....not giving 100% to anything but giving 25% to everything.....not good. I have been putting myself LAST and it's not about being selfish now in a bad way, but selfish in a good way. If I'm miserable and stressed all the time, I'm no good to anyone....
And yea, I have pushed my feelings and thoughts and fears to the side and just PUSHED AND PUSHED on....trying to kill myself to accomplish the world. Not good.
I remember seeing a scene in Morning Glory that snapped my brain in two=== I have to see if I can find it and share it.
hey girl!
i've mentioned this before but I like you have recently began to stop the complete obsessive behavior and thinking when it comes to workouts and such and it has been a HUGE relief. i feel so much happier in general and i think others around me can see it in me as well. of course it's not easy and it won't happen overnight but eventually things come together and fall into place. remember SLOW and STEADY wins the race :)
xoxo!
Hey Sunny! I hear you. I really believe that this is going to be a huge mountain to put behind me. Because I see how my behavior with myself and my insecurity makes others that care for me worry, and that's not right. I want to be TRULY happy inside and out again. On the way for sure.
I hear ya, lady! Way to go.
Thanks Jenae!! ;-)
thank you for such an honest post Kelly. i think many of us battle this all or nothing kind of life. however i really try to take time and chill even if that means that workout won't happen or that i can't get everything done. because in reality we only have today to enjoy. i will think of "just breathe" when i am stressing that is for sure!
awww I hope you have many many more friend dates in the future! I am SO on the being present thing - sometimes i feel like i'm half assing everything because i'm just all over the place and spreading myself too thin - it's something I work on!!
Great post! Props to you for putting this out there and working on this and how you can change---even if it's going to be a long process. Isn't it horrible that sometimes the biggest thing in the way of success, happiness, etc. is ourselves?? I know I tend to compare myself to others and I am trying not to do it as much but it is so difficult. I just need to be happy with who I am and what I have accomplished. Janet's book sounds great, I haven't heard of it but I'm going to see if my library has it.
Lastly, thanks for the kind words on my blog about the almost car accident, I appreciate it. I am finally starting to feel back to my normal self but oi vey, it was scary. And super big thanks on the self hosting tip-I am going to look into squarespace (woo hoo for discounts!!)
Kelly you are an amazing and strong woman and even more amazing and strong for putting it all out here. No doubt you are on the right track. xo
And thank you for the book recommendation.
I love stopping by here to read you each day. You are always an inspiration and honestly so real about your fitness journey. I know I can always come here and find someone who struggles with so much of the same things I do and it is such a comfort to know I'm not the only one.
Laura, thank you so much for that note. This is why I'm sharing what's going on with me, because I really hope that what I'm learning will help others.....Because I can only imagine that I'm not alone. I finally feel good about the future after 2 years of low-key insanity! ;-)
Jess, thank you for the comment!! it feels good to finally be figuring things out instead of just pushing them aside and trying some other quick fix. ;-)
Tiff, I hope YOU are feeling better after the car situation....there are certain things that happen like that where the reality of --- wow, it can all be over like THAT --- sets in, and that's a scary thing to realize, how fragile life is. But, it's also good so we live our lives with gratitude and such. ;-) (((hugs))))
Kelly- YES to the friend dates and I HOPE to be on one with YOU when I'm in Hotlanta later this month! yaya!! XO
Hey Kalli!! You know when I read your blog I am very often inspired because I can tell you are LIVING your life and enjoying it. That has to come back into my life and I know it will. ;-)
Parts of this post reminded me of a quote I just read in John Maxwell's "Everyone Communicates, Few Connect" ~ "The good news is I move fast; the bad news is I often move alone". Everybody is in a hurry, but that prevents most of us from connecting with other effectively. If you want to connect with people, you need to slow down."
Julie, I so love John Maxwell's writing......I haven't read that book and it sounds like another great one. Adding to my list.